Why Jesus Hates Math

Lydia, a second grader, has something to share with the class:

MR. BOWERS:  Yes, Lydia, what would you like to say?
LYDIA:  My mom said she is gonna buy me some new earrings, and one is gonna be the "plus sign" for God!

Out of Nowhere

We were doing some open ended scenes with the 5th grade today.  They had to make choices and then act out the scene to see if their choices fit.  Two boys did their scene, and it was pretty obvious to me that it was about hiding out from the police after a bank robbery because one of the boys was acting injured and they were looking real suspicious.  After the scene, I questioned the class:

MR. BOWERS:  Ok, what do you think their scene was about?
BRANDON:  The Womens Civil Rights Movement?
THE WHOLE CLASS:  WHAT?????

Best Valentine Ever

I get so many Valentines from the kids and they are usually just the store bought cards with the kids name on it and sometimes it doesn't even have MY name on it!  Well, this year, I got one that had a note attached to the inside that really made me feel special:

Dear Mr. Bowers,

Thank you for being so nice to me.  You encourage me to sing and act better.  You make my days a blast!  You make me feel confident and strong.  Keep on teaching!  I appreciate all your help.

-Angie

There was also some candy attached.  BONUS! 
 

Polite, Yet Stinky

Trying to have 4th grade Drama today...

MR. BOWERS:  Diesen!  Why are you crawling across the floor?
DIESEN:  I'm getting away from Hayden, he FARTED!
MR. BOWERS:  Diesen!  Do you think Hayden wanted everyone to know that he did that?
CARLA:  Mr. Bowers, Hayden told me that he farted.
ALISON:  Yeah, he always tells us when he farts.
MR. BOWERS:  Hayden, why do you feel the need to tell people when you pass gas?
HAYDEN:  I just like to give everyone a "heads up."

Second Job?

MRS. POLK (The Art Teacher):  Oh, Richard, you're here early, where's the rest of your class?
RICHARD (Bilingual 3rd grader):  I got to go early...our regular teacher isn't here, so we have a prostitute.

Just Doin' My Job

Letter from a parent:

So I pick Sarah up yesterday and as she's getting into the car, she's so excited she can hardly speak straight..."Mommy, Mr. Bowers pulled a quarter out of my ear today for my birthday! I watched him real close and I don't know how he did it. He knows real magic!". Forget I drove to the donut store at 6:15 am for a chocolate donut with pink sprinkles, brought her a Happy Meal to school for lunch, lugged 24 melting cookie ice cream sandwiches to the school cafeteria in a cooler for her class to celebrate...the best part of her birthday day was having Mr. Bowers pull a quarter out of her ear. You rock, Mr. Bowers!

My response:

Maybe next time you'll bring twenty FIVE cookie ice cream sandwiches.

The Sto

MR. BOWERS:  Awww, I love those shoes, where did you get them?

DAGEN (KINDERGARTNER): At the sto.

MR. BOWERS:  Which store?

DAGEN:  Huh???

Sto--kindergarten definition:  The place where I get stuff like toys and candy--essentials.  I don't have to know one sto from another, they're all the same to me--I don't even have to know my way around the sto, I get to ride in a basket.

Maury Much?

Osa is a child with Autism so sometimes he says very random things or repeats things he heard earlier.  Yesterday, he cracked me up:

OSA:  You are NOT the father!

Mind Gardeners

MR. BOWERS:  Your teacher works for YOU.  You know that right?  You and your family pay taxes and those taxes are used to pay firefighters, teachers, policemen....so, what if you hired a gardener to work for you to build a nice flower bed outside your front door, so you could smell the wonderful flowers whenever you walked outside.  Then, when the gardener is out there building the garden, you SPRAY HIM WITH THE WATER HOSE!  Then, when he's planting the flowers, you RELEASE A HIVE OF BEES!  Would he want to do a good job working for you?

CLASS:  Noooo.

MR. BOWERS:  He's gonna finish that job as fast as possible and move on to the next job.  He's not going to want to do a good job for you! 
Well, your teacher is like the gardener of your mind, and she's WORKING ON YOU!  Every day!  Don't bother her with all this tattling, talking too much and bothering each other...and...don't spray her with water and release bees on her.

CLASS:  Okaaaaaaay.

Caroline is Blond BTW

--WEDNESDAY MORNING--

(Caroline, 4th grade safety patrol,  is wearing fashionable jeans with fashionable torn knees.)

MR. BOWERS: Hey, you should wear those jeans to church.
CAROLINE: Why?
MR. BOWERS:  Because they're "holy."
CAROLINE:  Hahahahaha.

--THURSDAY MORNING--

(enter ERIN, wearing fashionably torn jean jacket)

MR. BOWERS:  Hey, Caroline, Erin should wear that jacket to church, huh?
CAROLINE:  Uhh, yeah, because it's torn and she could donate it.
ERIN:  ?
MR. BOWERS:  (sigh.)

Get it Right

Overheard this in the cafeteria today:

3RD GRADE GIRL:  Nuh-uh, he doesn't...he don't do that!

Blend In

We were watching The Nutcracker with the 5th graders today.

FREDDIE:  I don't like this, this is dumb.
MR. BOWERS:  Freddie, aren't you going to be RICH when you grow up?
FREDDIE:  Yes.
MR. BOWERS:  Well, rich people like watching Ballet, so you better start enjoying it.

Lost From Words

Today, we are doing our annual production of  YO LEONARDO, which is a musical celebrating famous artists, so I decided to wear a beret to go along with my curly mustache:

TAMIA:  Mr. Bowers!  You look like, uhh, one of those people who wear that kind of hat...and, uhh, can draw real good!

MR. BOWERS:  You mean, an ARTIST?

TAMIA:  YEAH!!

MR. BOWERS:  Thank you. 

XAVITOR

Xavior is a PreK'er this year and we call him Xavitor because on the first day of school, his name tag was kinda hard to read and the "I" looked like a "T", and well, we do have kids with strange names, so it just stuck.

Today, he was in computer class and I was in there helping out the copmuter teacher.  Xavitor was playing a game where his cheetah was racing other cheetahs.  He was running into the other cheetahs and making them crash into the rocks:

XAVITOR:  Yeah!  Take that, SUCKER!  Yeah SUCKER, I beat you!
MR. BOWERS:  Xavitor, why are you calling those cheetahs suckers?  You should call them Lollipops instead. 
XAVITOR:  Take that, LOLLIPOP!  Yeah, LOLLIPOP, I beat you!

Today I Shaved My Beard

I guess it made my face look smaller to a kindergartener:

Mr. Bowers, did you find some exercise?

Get After It.

Darius is in 5th grade and does not take school seriously.  His parents are hearing impaired, so my attempt to talk to them at a school function failed.  I had a chance to strike up a conversation with him and hopefully I got him to think.  


MR. BOWERS:  What do you want to be when you grow up?
DARIUS:  A football player.
MR. BOWERS:  Me, too, but I'm too short.  However, a small, fast kid like you could make it to the NFL.  Where does the NFL get their players?
DARIUS:  College.
MR. BOWERS:  And where do colleges get their players?
DARIUS:  High School.
MR. BOWERS:  And so on, right?   Have you heard of,  "No pass, no play?" If you don't pass your classes, you can't play on the team.
DARIUS:  Oh.
MR. BOWERS:  Think about Beyonce, she's from Houston, just like you.  What do you think she was doing when she was a kid?  Don't you think she was taking dance classes?  Some singing lessons?  Practicing?  How do you think she was doing in school?  I'll bet she took it seriously.  Do you play football now?
DARIUS:  Yes.
MR. BOWERS:  Then you're on the right path.  Don't let your your path get blocked because of your grades.

Oh, That's What it Means

KARIS (KINDERGARTNER):  Mr. Bowers, if you hair is white and your beard is white and it's long and smooth...that means you're a WIZARD.

Uh-Pose-Able

Mississippi is the nickname for a new kid at our school who is from Mississippi and has a THICK Mississippi accent. The Music Teacher and I were talking to the kids about artists and how many of them choose to use the human body as their muse.

MUSIC TEACHER:  You know, when you think about it, humans are pretty amazing creatures.
MISSISSIPPI:  We got THUMBS!

Scared

MR. BOWERS:  Kindergartners, what do you do when you get scared?
YOUSEF:  I hide out under my bed!
PARKER:  I think about unicorns...and princesses coming to save me.

...and then there's this:

JONAH:  I'll just get my mom to get me a lightning sword with an axe on it.

EWWWWW!

Ok, two gross things have happened this week at my JOB.

1.  One of the 2nd graders left a used band-aid inside one of the puppets.
2.  One of the Pre-k'ers decided it was a good idea to poop on the sidewalk, and some other random kid accidentally stepped in it and left a poo trail.

I love my job!

Unintentional Cursing

MR. BOWERS:  Jacoby...? Jacoby...? Is Jacoby here?
KINDERGARTENER:  No, he's ass-bent.

Chinny-chin-chin

I have been growing a beard for four months now, and I am starting to get some interesting things said to me by the kids:

Kindergarten:  You look like a Beard.
1st Grade:  Is that a real mustache?
2nd Grade:  Did you grow a beard?
3rd Grade:  Hey, Santa.
4th Grade:  Do you use conditioner in your beard?
5th Grade:  When did you grow a beard?

Chug-a-lug.

(Mr. Bowers enters his room of First Grade Drama Students  and quickly downs a bottled water.)

HAWA:  Why you drinkin' so much water?
MR. BOWERS:  I'm trying to lose weight and water is good for you.
HAWA:  Milk will help you lose weight.
MR. BOWERS:  Milk is good for you, but if you drink too much of it, you'll get fat.
HAWA:  My mom drinks skinny milk.

English as a Second Language 2

Many of our students have English as a second language and that leads to some great moments...like this one:

ISHAN:  Mr. Bowers, I went to Sonic and I got to have a HOG DOG.

Kinder Quote

KIAN:  Mr. Bowers, vultures eat dead food.

Funnier Now

MR. BOWERS:  Saanvi, I like you much better as a 2nd grader, last year you never laughed at my jokes.
SAANVI:  Those jokes weren't funny.

Kindergarten Shovel

MR. BOWERS:  Kindergartners, what is the name of this object?
RASHAAD:  A spoon!
MR. BOWERS:  No, it's something you dig with.
RASHAAD:  A DIRT spoon!

Generation 2000

I have a picture in my room from my first play that I did in College.  One of the 2nd graders asked me about the picture today:

LISA:  Why are you dressed like a pirate in that picture?
MR. BOWERS:  Oh, that is from when I was in college, see, it even has the year on it, "1989."
LISA:  NINETEEN?!?!?!?!?!

Future Student

MRS. PARK:  Mr. Bowers,  I need to take Ziara to the office, she's leaving, her mom is about to have the baby.
MR. BOWERS:  Ok, hurry up Ziara and go with Mrs. Park.

(they leave...a few seconds later, they return)

ZIARA:  Mr. Bowers, can I have a sticker to give to my new brother?

Or Taste Buds

Jade in First grade said, "When you eat something, you taste it with your tasty bumps."

Home Work

JACOB:  Mr. Bowers, I was in the newspaper this summer.
MR. BOWERS:  That's great!  Why were you in the paper?
JACOB:  Because my mom came home from Iraq.
MR. BOWERS:  Cool, is she still home?
JACOB:  No, she's at work.

Quarter Pocket

I try to have a quarter in my pocket every day in case there is a kid with a birthday.  Well, the other day as I was doing laundry, I saw the proof of that! 

Not Born Yesterday

DANIELLA (2nd grade):  Ohh, you can't fool me, don't you know I was born tomorrow!

Dream On

Nelson is looking at a picture of my friend, Alan:

NELSON:  Mr. Bowers, your friend looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin.
FREDDY:  Aww, I wanna look like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Close, but no Popcicle

MR. BOWERS:  I'm sorry, Kindergarten, but to go to the Popcicle Party, you have to have many Accelerated Reader points, so, you need to be able to READ!
JADE:  I can spell CAT!

Owned

Nicholas just owned Christian at Star Wars Trivia and Christian had a bummed out look on his face, so I went over to check him out.

MR. BOWERS:  Christian, if Nicholas is bothering you with all these Star Wars questions, I can ask him to stop challenging you.
CHRISTIAN:  I WILL DESTROY HIM!

When I Grow Up

MITCHEL: I wanna be a Mathematician.
AUBRIELLE: I wanna be a Model who rides horses for fun.
NICHOLAS: I really wanna be Bounty Hunter.
ETHAN:  I WANNA BE A WOOKIE!

It's All Greek to Me

Kennedy is a kindergartner:

KENNEDY:  I don't like China!
MR. BOWERS:  Why not?
KENNEDY:  Because they speak Spanish.

 

Baby Grandma

Today, Angel's 2nd grade teacher told me that he was being disrespectful--especially to the girls in the class:

MR. BOWERS:  Angel, a long time ago, did your mom used to be a little girl in 2nd grade?
ANGEL:  Yes.
MR. BOWERS:  Well, if you can imagine her as a little girl, would you want some 2nd grade boy being mean to her?
ANGEL:  No.
MR. BOWERS:  You see, in about 50 years, all these little girls in your class could be somebody's mom--or GRANDMA! You gotta treat all the girls in your class with respect!
ANGEL:  OK, Mr. Bowers :)

Break it up!

Today there was a little scuffle between two 4th grade boys:

MR. BOWERS: Jeremiah, tell me what happened.
JEREMIAH: I was just touching his jacket and he told me that if I did it again, he was gonna kill me! Then I told him, "Do it!" Then, he just started choking me!!!
MR. BOWERS: Well, you did just ask him to kill you. What did you expect?

On This Boulevard

Workin dat PreK boyeeee:

BROOKLYN: "Twinkle, twinkle, little star...."
MR. BOWERS: Nice job, Brooklyn, now, who else know a song?
CHRISTOPHER: "HUSTLE...HUSTLE...HUSTLE...HARD!"

That's Right!

MR. BOWERS: So, Kindergartners, why do some animals have to live at the zoo?
NATHAN: It's because they can't live in people's houses.

Meet Your New Padawan

MR. BOWERS: Hey, Christian, meet Nicholas; he's a bigger Star Wars fan than you are.
CHRISTIAN: Oh yeah? How many arms does a Zillo Beast have?
NICHOLAS: Eight!
CHRISTIAN: WRONG! Three.


And I thought I was a nerd.

$5000-A-Baby

So, when the Computer teacher went to fix the internet box that the Momma squirell nested in, she found 3 babies! It cost $15,000 to fix the wiring, so you do the math.

It Wasn't Me!

HELP!! I ain't the one who made the squirrel nest in the internet wire box thingy! that was Bob! I was just mindin' me own business lookin' for food when all of sudden I get stuck in this cage! Now, me whole mornin' is ruined and who knows where they'll take me! I didn't choose to live at a school where there is an endless supply of snacks! These trees were here before the buildings were!!! Let me go!!!


Such is life, kids.

He Can't Hitchhike Either

For some reason the squirrels on our campus have been making a nest in the internet wire box outside.

Today, the school district caught a squirrel in one of their cage\trap thingys.

MR. BOWERS: Oh, look 2nd graders, they caught a squirrel!
LIZBETH: He can't get out because he doesn't have any thumbs.

Where You Goin?

MR. BOWERS: Ashton! You aren't supposed to be out here in the T-Building area in the morning! You need to be in the Kindergarten Hallway with your class.
ASHTON: But, I'm 'lergic to hallways :(

Old English?

My second graders, yesterday:

PEYTON: Shakespeare? That's what they speak in Harry Potter!
AARON: No, that's Parselmouth!

Money Maker

The other day, Aaron showed up wearing a hoodie and not letting anyone see his hair. Apparently, he had tried to cut his own hair and messed up and his mom was making him wear the haircut as punishment. I told him to OWN it and tell his classmates what happened. Then, tell 'em if they want you to cut their hair too, it'll cost 'em $5.

What Are Ancestors?

NICHOLAS (2ND GRADE): An ancestor is like my great, great, great, caveman grandfather.