Only Child No More

Whenever a kid comes up and tells me that their mom just had a baby, I ususally go through the same routine. I tell them that when they were a baby, their mom and dad had to watch them all the time to make sure they would grow up to be a wonderful person (I usually confirm this by asking, "You are a wonderful person, aren't you?").

Then I tell them that their parents will now have to do the same thing for their new baby. I say that if their parents aren't allowed to pay full attention to this new baby, that the kid will grow up wild and will drive me crazy when he or she comes to my school. In other words, don't be jealous--you got the same attention!

I also tell them, "This new baby is going to think that you are the coolest person in the world because you are their big brother or sister and you need to try to be an awesome big brother or sister to them. Sometimes they will drive you crazy, but just remember the Golden Rule. If you were a little kid and you were bothering your big brother, how would you like him to get you to stop. Would you like him to hold you down with his knees on your arms and drool spit down to your nose and then suck it back up right before it lands on your face until the time when the spit doesn't actually make it back into your big brothers' mouth and instead lands right on your face?"

OK, I don't actually tell them that last part, but that's what my big brother would do to me and I just want all the little brother abuse to STOP!!! PAUL, YOU WERE A BIG BULLY TO ME AND WHEN YOU GET TOO OLD TO BEAT ME UP, THERE WILL BE PAYBACK--but I still think you are the coolest person in the world.